Longitudinal Studies of Life Satisfaction and a Short Term Relationship Strategy

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Description: Today I discuss the remarkable Harvard longitudinal study, uncovering insights on health, wellness, and satisfaction. Explore the concept of the "second arrow" and the power of acceptance in relationships.

 


Episode 4 Show Links

Link to the episode discussion on facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/100092872520947/posts/pfbid033P6ffE3zzGCDEeyVArsAgGh18wsQzyynKnh5Utd58WwuTNrwHrg6HGBY2pmiYHnWl/?mibextid=cr9u03

https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

This emotional life (PBS) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR6r5ap0q4A

Amazon Book (affiliate link):

Aging Well Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development

https://albertellis.org/

Keywords: Harvard study, longitudinal study, happiness, relationship acceptance, second arrow, acceptance in relationships, fulfillment, purposeful life, midlife, psychology, counseling

Transcript

 Welcome to Gen X Mindscape, the podcast dedicated to exploring the complexities of midlife and the pursuit of a purposeful life. I'm your host and fellow Gen X or Kyle here to accompany you on this journey. In our last episode, we examine the importance of relationship identity and how our connections shape our sense of self.

Today we're diving even deeper as we uncover insights from one of the most remarkable studies on health, wellness and satisfaction. A decades long Harvard longitudinal study, this groundbreaking research sheds light on what truly contributes to a purposeful and fulfilling life. In the second part of this episode, we will discuss some common thinking traps that can entangle us in midlife hindering our ability to cultivate and nurture our relationship identity and challenge ourselves to develop healthier patterns of relating to others 

Before we do, I just wanted to share a little bit about myself and the background behind this podcast. I do have a background in psychology, and I've always been fascinated by human development and the pursuit of a healthy and fulfilling psyche. However, a lot of my developmental psychology knowledge is related to child and adolescent development, and so as I've gotten older, I'm.

Almost 49 years old, I've had a strong desire to find out what developmental psychology and counseling psychology have to say about the good life for people my age. I really just want to have more clarity about what I truly want outta life. Like many of you my age, I've had a healthy mix of failures, some successes, and accumulated some experience.

It's time to take advantage of this and try to live my best life now, and also try to build a foundation for a flourishing future. So this podcast is my personal quest to try to uncover the insights offered by developmental psychology and counseling psychology regarding flourishing and leading to a satisfying life.

And along the way, I just wanna share what I learned with anyone else who might find it helpful and, and also learn from interactions with others who are wrestling with this challenging middle phase of life. 



 When I started this Gen X Mindscape journey, one question I really wanted to answer is, what does psychology, developmental psychology, counseling psychology, say leads to a healthy and satisfying life?

And as I looked into this, one theme kept coming up, especially in some really impressive bodies of literature. And that is the really profound impact of quality relationships. And I have to admit, as an introvert, I had some anxiety about this cuz I'm not really great at seeking new relationships and I enjoy time to myself.

However, as I continue to research and reflect on this, I've gained a better appreciation of the importance of relationships and how I can apply this to my own situation. And so the importance of relationships in this body of research is probably best exemplified by a really amazing study, the Harvard Study of Adult Development.

And over the course of several decades, researchers at , Harvard have been following the lives of thousands of individuals, investigating the factors that contribute to their overall wellbeing and satisfaction. And what makes these studies particularly fascinating is their focus on the role of relationships in shaping our happiness and fulfillment.

For those of you that are interested in looking into this further , I definitely recommend looking in the show notes. I'll put some links there. But it was really striking. I found it really interesting that in this body of studies, that satisfaction in our relationships at midlife is a strong, strong predictor of our health and happiness.

In later years, people in the study who reported being most satisfied in the relationships at age 50. We're the healthiest at age 80. And so it seems that close relationships act as somewhat of a buffer against the challenges of aging. I was struck by a quote in the article again, and that's in the show notes.

That's the quote was, loneliness kills. It's as powerful as smoking or alcoholism. So just really some interesting results there in terms of how our relationships affect our overall wellbeing in health and flourishing. I think too though, it's important to say that, , especially those of you like me, I'm a divorced introvert.

You know, it's important that in this study it's not the number of friends or being in a committed relationship that matters.  The quality of our close relationships is truly what makes a difference  this has inspired me to be intentional about my relationships, to really have a plan to nurture good relationships, and to be a relationship minimalist . That is put my energy in the right places and don't let. Unhealthy or unimportant relationships distract me. I know everyone has different ways of integrating new ideas into their lives.

Personally, for me, it was really helpful to journal about this, to become more intentional about which relationships I was gonna nurture and to take little action steps to spend time with those people. Well, that said, I know it's easier said than done. A genie isn't gonna just show up and grant our wish for problem-free relationships.

For me, I've been thinking about two main challenges in my relationships. First, who am I going to choose to spend my quality time with? And second, how can I navigate those unavoidable conflicts that will happen in all types of relationships and ships? We are all old enough to know there isn't a single magic bullet, but in part two, this episode, I wanna share a perspective I've been working on to improve my relationships.

This is a perspective from cognitive behavioral therapy or C B T, one of the most used and most researched counseling approaches. I wanna start my explanation of this perspective with a, a little analogy.

But even before that, I wanna express that  this discussion is related to everyday situations where people are being. Human. I am not talking here about accepting harmful or abusive behaviors. Those should never be tolerated  so let's say I stubbed my toe on the corner of a table. The pain is obviously gonna shoot right through my body, but what if I just went ahead and shot that same toe with an arrow?

Not a great idea. Right? Okay, well, what if I, in addition to the physical pain of stubbing my toe, I got mad at myself for being clumsy. That's really like shooting myself with a second arrow of emotional pain, intensifying my suffering. It's as if I'm saying I not only have to deal with the initial discomfort, but I'll also add feelings of self blame to make it even worse.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how this phenomenon of inflicting additional suffering extends to my emotional experiences. For example, when someone close to me makes a mistake, unintentionally does something in their own interests over mine, or holds a different opinion, it's pretty easy to feel disappointed, defensive, or frustrated.

And , sometimes I'll clinging to those emotions, replaying the situation in my mind. But really, I'm essentially shooting myself again with that second arrow. I'm prolonging my own suffering. I'm preventing the opportunity for growth and understanding. I'm really just wasting emotions, time and cognitive energy towards something I can't change.

 .

The aha moment came for me when I was doing more c b t reading and, and found the answer to a crucial question, and that is what is the underlying theme behind the second arrow? Emotions. What do you think? Well, the answer was really helpful to me. It's because subconsciously I can hold unrealistic expectations of how others should treat me.

Like most of you, I don't consciously go around expecting everyone to treat me perfectly. I'm aware that we're all flawed and make mistakes, but what I think I've realized is that at times my reactions and tendency to hold onto negative second arrow emotions stem from a subconscious oversight. I can easily lose sight of the fact that coworkers, family, friends,  strangers, are just going through their own unique journeys.

Their reactions are shaped by different experiences, different circumstances. You know, just like me, they can get tired, uninformed, or just be all around imperfect. I know I've had my moments where I've said or done things I wish I could change, and with better circumstances or better information, , I would've done something different.

So it's important to really try to internalize and extend that understanding and allowance to others as well. Because really in this context, that acceptance becomes our shield. You know, a powerful tool that allows us to avoid shooting ourselves with the second arrow of unnecessary suffering. It was also important for me to realize that acceptance is not about giving up or resigning myself to negative experiences. It's more just acknowledging that reality, that people will make mistakes, that they have different priorities, that they have different opinions. . I think that's really crucial for me to recognize that the way people treat me is often a reflection of their own experiences, moods, and perceptions, rather than an absolute truth about who I am.

And so I've really been trying to stay focused on this idea, not try to add lots of new things, but to really internalize and be self-aware of this thought pattern. And it's been really helpful for me. And it's one, I'm gonna keep practicing more this week, but you know, I'd love to hear what you think.

What are your reactions to this?  I'd love to build a like-minded community and connect with you. So I'm gonna put a , Facebook link in the show notes and I'd love to have you join me there, you know, what were these ideas helpful?

What insights do you wanna share? . And so as I end here, I just really wanted to say thank you so much for listening and supporting this little indie podcast project of mine, and a special shout out today to Whitney in Nebraska for her thoughts and encouragement.

And to you, if you're listening and finding the show helpful, I'd be really grateful if you would share it with someone who might also wanna join our community. So until next time, keep exploring, stay curious and stay true to yourself.